The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor bastard die for his.
General George S. Patton (WWII)
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.
Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
Here's to you, Here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be, but if by chance we disagree, fuck you and here's to me.
Popular toast
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
Fat girls are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want anyone to see you riding them.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
There is no sign of a fever, but her husband has stated she was very hot in bed last night.
Actual Docter's Note
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend's looks and vise versa.
Science College Professor
Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.
A whiskey glass and a woman's ass are the downfall of many a good man.
I wouldn't reccommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet".
Robin Williams
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyranize their teachers.
Socrates
Confucious say: he who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.
Everybody has the gift of stupidity but you are abusing the privilege.
When life seems to have turned it's back on you,stand up and kick it in the ass.
Ban Guns: Make the streets safe for a government takeover.
100.000.000 sperm and YOU were the fastest???