Times spent wasted are not wasted times.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

The moon may kiss the stars so high
The sun may kiss the bright blue sky
The dew may kiss the morning grass
But you my friend, can kiss my ass

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Sex is Evil,
Sex is Sin,
Sins are forgiven,
So Let's Begin!

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

I bought a package of batteries, but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

"Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink"

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me.

If you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime. But if your looking for a man, don't be fuckin with mine.

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Ozzy Ozbourne

All I want is a kind word, a warm bed and unlimited power.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Oscar Wilde

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times!

"All I want to know is who the man was that looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink from whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them."

Calvin and Hobbes

"Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying"

Do not walk behind me for you are not my slave, and do not walk next to me, even though you are my equal.. but walk five steps in front of me cause baby you got a nice ass!