Marijuana University

 
Cool Quotes 1 | Cool Quotes 2 | Cool Quotes 3 | Cool Quotes 4 | Cool Quotes 5 Cool Quotes 6
 

 

Cool Quotes 2

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.

 

Here I sit broken-hearted, tried to shit but only farted

Later on I took a chance, tried to fart and shit my pants!

Restroom Graffiti

 

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

 

If you can not answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.

Elbert Hubbard

 

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Dick Wilson

 

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

 

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

 

Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.

 

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

 

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

 

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

 

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?          Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

 

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

Audobon Society Magazine

 

"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."

 

"Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking"

 

Anarchists of the world, unite!

 

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

 

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."

Gallagher

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

 

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

 

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

 

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

Winston Churchill

 

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

English Professor, Ohio University

 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.