There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

                                                                                                Dave Barry

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavett
mocking the TV-violence debate

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Confucious say:

•  fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.

•   man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

•   man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.

•   man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

•   man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

•   woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.

•   man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a smelly finger.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Howard Kandel

A witty saying proves nothing.

Voltaire

I drink to make other people interesting.

George Jean Nathan

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.